Broken Heart

Back before Valentine's Day, on the punkin heads' blog, I engaged in some blogger fun with Lilibell and another certain cutie pie. This little CP was looking around for somebuddy to be his Valentine's, and I did a post for Lilibell to this CP telling him she would be his Valentine's. While he was honored, he had feelings for another cutie. When I read this, I have to admit that I got a little miffed and hurt!! Even though I knew perfectly well that this was all in fun and not real life, I mean, come on, they're dogs!!!

But I now realize why I got like that, it brought back memories of my broken hearts when I was in late grade and high school.

I was the wallflower in school, the girl who always got picked on by the class bully, the girl who was "four eyes," the extremely shy girl (I've gotten better, but am still on the shy side). I was the girl who always set her sights on the class hunk, only to never even be noticed by them. I so wanted a boyfriend, someone to be a girlfriend to.

I don't really know why I was like this, maybe it was because I always had such a low opinion of myself and needed to validate myself by someone else's love.

So I gravitated towards the "wrong" types of guys for me. This was back in the late 80's, the start of the Hair Band period in heavy metal. I started going for those types....the ones with the long hair, almost always played in some cellar rock band, the rebels who lived from hand to mouth. I got myself into some pretty wretched relationships because of this, but always managed to pull myself out of them.

I could've had relationships with the "nice" boys. There were a couple, during high school, that were interested in me, and I would always go out on a couple of dates with them and then start blowing them off. They were boring to me, they weren't bad enough for me, I always complained that they were "too" nice!

The pattern followed right up to my early 30's. I was always attracted to a "pretty face" and more often than not, these pretty boys ended up being jerks and never really treated me the way I needed to be treated.

And then I made the biggest mistake of all time....marriage.

Not to say that marriage is a mistake, it was the man I married that was the mistake. It was in my early 30's, and I never had a steady relationship, I was always bouncing from one to another, meeting jerk after jerk. We had only been dating for about 6 months before he proposed to me, and I said yes. Why did I say yes? I thought I was in love with him, no one had ever proposed before, and I was starting to despair about every finding the right man who would sweep me off my feet and take care of me forever. We got married about a year later, and needless to say, it lasted a sad and hellish 18 months.

After that ended, I floated around for about two years, still meeting the jerks and still despairing that I would never find the right one. When I got tired of it, my philosophy became "I don't care anymore, if I die single and alone, so be it. But in the meantime, I'm going to live and enjoy my life the way it is." And that's when I met "the One."

Okay, I have to admit, when I first met Steve, I was only going to date him for a few times, get a couple of dinners out of him, and then kick him to the curb (yes, by that point in time, I was starting to become ruthless!). He was not a pretty boy, was overweight, but as I got to know him, I got to know the real him and before I knew it, I was in love and moving in with him 6 months later (I had my own apartment for the past 10 years and was really paying a good rent. I did act sensibly and kept my apartment for five months, until I knew which way our relationship was going.) And that was 7 years ago! Steve treats me the way I deserve to be treated. He takes care of me when I'm sick, comforts me when I'm upset, is willing to do anything and everything for me, puts up with my PMS, and has an undying love for me. We have a terrific relationship...always joking, hardly ever fighting (but we do have our little minor tiffs every once in a while!), he is my best friend and my love!

It may have taken me much longer than others to find that special someone, but I think I had to go through all of my past mistakes and mishaps to learn from them and to realize the kind of man I actually needed....I didn't need someone who was rich or someone who was pretty, I needed a kind, caring and devoted man. And that man is my Steve...my Rock of Gibralter, my confidant and my Best Friend!